One Year Later.

My life changed forever one year ago. I sat by my brother's bed as he left this world and was ushered into heaven. I experienced a depth of sorrow I had never known. For weeks I carried on daily business with a tear-stained face, and wondered if my tears would ever run out. We lost so much that day that it's hard to acknowledge the things we gained, but here's my attempt to process:

What I lost:
*The ability to hug him whenever I want.
*The opportunity to talk and spend time in his presence.
*His infectious laugh and sense of humor.
*My family as I knew it.
*A little bit of faith in medicine.
*A sense of security in my emotions.
*An uncle for my daughter.
*A sibling with whom I can share life.
*An unquestioned faith in God, especially as a Healer.
*Someone who shared my childhood memories.

What I gained:
*An angel.
*An incredible sense of pride.
*An admiration for his courageous spirit.
*An urgency to lean into God and his mysterious plan.
*Empathy for those who have lost loved ones.
*Friendships that manifested themselves in beautiful ways.
*Gratefulness for Jesus and His Church.
*A daily appreciation for life and health.
*A husband who proved "for better or for worse".
*A new enjoyment of U2's music. :)
*A new, authentic and raw relationship with my parents.
*A deep respect for the medical team that invested so much in this case.
*An awareness of my own mortality.
*Cherished memories, too numerous to count.
*A greater sensitivity to the Spirit in worship.
*Anticipation for the reunion that will someday occur in Heaven.

I miss Derek every day. And as life goes on, it seems to get easier...and harder. He continues to be an inspiration to me and many others. Today, in his honor, I'm surrounding myself with the people I love- enjoying the beauty of the world around me, cherishing every smile, laugh, tear and memory.