Beware: Loaded Question.

"How are you doing?"
I haven't been able to come up with a satisfactory response to this question, though I'm asked it on a regular basis. An emphatic "good!" seems a little inappropriate, but the less excited "good" invites a lengthy explanation. So, I usually stick with "okay," and hope people understand the delicate balance of my current state of emotions.

I've been a little pithy on this blog lately, and it's not because I'm avoiding my family circumstances. I think my mom has done an excellent job of keeping Derek's blog and updates as current as possible, so I've refrained from repeating it here. As you can imagine, I'm experiencing highs and lows like you wouldn't believe. The confusion, then, over whether to keep this blog a happy, sunshiny retreat or an honest outpouring of my soul has caused my blogging step to slow a bit. I'm trying to find an appropriate balance of the two.

Today, I'll answer the "how are you doing" question as honestly as I can, in hopes that this post gives you a glimpse into the trials and triumphs in my life.

Physically- I'm great! Pregnancy has treated me well (thank you, Lord!) and I have had no morning sickness or complications to date. I feel our baby girl kicking on a regular basis and am even starting to track her sleep schedule. Next week will mark 28 weeks, the beginning of our final trimester! And, though I have a glucose test and am having some dental work done, I'm excited about plowing ahead toward the finish line.

Emotionally- It's been a rough road. I'd like to attribute my emotional duress to crazy pregnancy hormones, but unfortunately I know that most outbursts have been justified. "For better or for worse" has paid off, as Chris has had to comfort me after many nights full of tears. The urge to be with my family is overwhelming at times, and is often strongest AFTER visits at home. I feel like the babysitter who hands the crying baby back to the parents and gets to leave. Their lives, however, are consumed with all the medical details- from which there really is no retreat. It's because of this that I ache for my brother, my mom and my dad, and wish I could be there with them.

Spiritually- I'm exercising hope like never before. Sometimes it feels like an empty word. At other times, it's the only thing that keeps us going. I am acutely aware that the timing of our pregnancy and Derek's diagnosis was not a coincidence. Selfishly, I wish that our good baby news could eclipse the sorrow and anxiety being experienced on the other side of the pendulum. In reality, it doesn't balance out at all. No baby should have that burden anyway- and that's where Jesus takes over. Every day I have messages from friends telling me their prayers are with us, and I hope that's true. We need them, and our healing God, more than ever.

So, that about sums it up. Maybe soon I'll be at a place where I don't tear up a little when asked that question.