Grief is such a long, weird roller coaster. I
haaaate roller coasters.
Life seems to plug along as usual, punctuated by happy memories or poignant reminders that tug at the heart and cause deep, proud exhales. Then the next moment may find you evoking the spirit of Ron Burgundy, screaming "
I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!" Such was the case this past Friday.
Several things contributed to my grief-ridden outburst. First, a close friend of ours experienced the death of a sibling. His only sibling. I can relate to the imprint this loss will have on his family, but not to the sudden, tragic way that it happened. The unanswered questions regarding a life abruptly halted is a different kind of grief burden.
I lost my brother in a different way... one that I had time (though not enough, never enough...) for which to prepare. The implications of that, trying to understand what my brother was feeling as he courageously fought a losing battle, are an entirely different burden. To be honest, I don't allow myself to "go there" very often- hardly ever anymore. But I did on Friday after reading about a friend's life-threatening diagnosis.
She bravely beat breast cancer last year- while pregnant, no less. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and life post-cancer resumed, until she discovered a lump on her arm last week. We awaited her news which she graciously
shared with us via social media: "
It
is not good news. I have Stage 4 cancer. It is in my arm, lungs, liver,
bones, and brain. We pray that chemo and radiation (and God!) will work
a miracle, but we do not expect one. "All to Jesus I surrender, All to
Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, In His presence daily
live."
I thought about her two young children who don't realize they may lose their mommy, and it hurt my heart more than I could bear. I lingered in the sadness for a while, I had some meaningful conversations with my husband, and then I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I have that luxury, unfortunately she doesn't.
And then, to cap off the week, was a frivolous little made-up holiday called "National Sibling Day," showcasing itself primarily on social media. My news feed was inundated with photographs of friends with their siblings. And while this has never bothered me before, I was particularly sensitive this year.
I wish I could have one more day with my brother.
I wish he could see my children, laugh and play with them.
I wish my children could know their funny, gentle, generous Uncle.
I wish my husband had a brother-in-law to battle in Fantasy Football.
I wish that grief hadn't destroyed my family.
So, yeah. I let the tears flow. It was physically and emotionally exhausting, but cathartic. I needed it. And now, having spent time grieving the pain of death, I can redirect my focus to the JOY of the RESURRECTION that defines this week, the overcoming of the grave through Jesus Christ and the hope of a pain-free, beautiful eternity in the presence of our God.
I love this season.
1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead... (NIV)
